can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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