if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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