saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize