I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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