I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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