Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
