HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Who died my cat blue again?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize