# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
