Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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