Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
