bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
