I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
