there's paper in my vomit.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
