Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
