you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
