I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
