If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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