he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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