I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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