His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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