i think my tv is drunk
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
