ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
