I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
