Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
