I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
