Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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