I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
