so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
