I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
