One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
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