You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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