Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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