I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
