Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
