For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
FUCK WHALES
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
