my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
