I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
