yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
