I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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