i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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