weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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