I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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