Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
