Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
