we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize