just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
