who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
