I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Someone shattered a urinal.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize