last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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