The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
