i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
