my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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