my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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