I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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