I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Lo siento on account of my penis...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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