Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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